Monday, March 17, 2008

Rick Morrissey is a non-biodegradable natural disaster

If I had more free time, I'd collect all the trash Morrissey has contributed to our collective consciousness, stuff it into black trash bags with red drawstrings or laundry hampers or milk crates or anything I could find, take it all and drop it in the middle of a parking lot and invite the world to join me around this unholy heap as I spray the kerosene and light the match that immolates all of this, every last word, punctuation, dot of drool that somehow made it past the Tribune's copy editors, and thereby at last returning Morrissey's ideas, however half-formed and dysmorphic, to whatever diabolical god gave them to us in the first place.

Alas, I only have two minutes, so this will have to do:

The worst leads, worst ideas, worst cliches, sometimes worst negligence, just about worst everything you could ever want to print out and use as toilet paper, gathered right there in one location and just one mouse click away.

Fire Joe Morgan weighs in (the bold is Morrissey):

I have the Sox winning 85 games and giving Cleveland a run for its money for second place in the division. I know, I know: The Indians are loaded with talent, and if it weren't for Detroit spending gobs of money, they'd be the favorites in the AL Central.

But, again, what about heart?

What about "heart?" What about Miguel fucking Cabrera? What about Grady Sizemore and C.C. Sabathia and Justin Verlander and Fausto Carmona and Magglio OrdoƱez? Heart? How about starting pitching? How about the fact that Jose Contreras is 62 years old?

My three stages of emotion as I read through FJM's breakdown of this article:

1. Amusement
2. Disbelief
3. Anger
4. Really, really bad anger, mixed with disbelief
5. Resignation

It was like reading Jay Mariotti, or that website he inspired. This leads me to a question for the fine, hard-working people of Chicago: What did you get in return for allowing Mariotti and Morrissey work in your city? The Buckingham Fountain? Navy Pier? A clean river? An appearance by Conan O'Brien? And if no deal was made, couldn't you pass an ordinance or something?

Anyway... glad to be a Kansas Citian.

And the White Sox are not going to win 85 games. Sorry, K, I know that's hard for you to hear...


  1. You must be crazy.

    While Chicago is not for anyone, Chicago has way more to offer than those silly tourist attractions you listed, and way more to offer than Kansas City.

    Now being an out of towner, I must say I'm not totally into the sports scene here, my loyalties lie in Denver. And I agree the sports writers are terrible and the sports broadcasters are probably the worst homers ever created, and the radio shows are also pretty terrible.

    But Chicago has incredible food and lots of real fun crazy bars that aren't about 10 dollar drinks and 20 dollar covers. its easy to get around (except for 90/94) there is stuff always happening, and it doesn't cost a fortune to live in like SF or NYC.

    Now don't get me wrong I've been to Kansas City, but it can't hold a candle to the Windy City.

  2. chicago rules. the sox may suck, but they're still better than the royals.

  3. Rick Morrissey is an awful writer, and he shouldn't be getting paid for his tripe.

    And I'm glad to see the usual Chicago defenders come rolling in. Yes, Chicago is a great city. Is it far, far better than every other place on the planet, as Chicagoans would have you believe? No.

    Usually they save these protests for early September, when the long, hard winter is closing in. Maybe they're just anxious for spring to arrive. Maybe they're strung out from the traffic jams they never can resolve because their city is so poorly laid out (all traffic merge onto one freeway! Toll roads everywhere!) Maybe they're tired of their aging infrastructure or their perpetual crime problems.

    I'm planning to make it to the park this season, just not in Chicago. It'll be someplace better. It'll be someplace safer. Best of all, it'll have a much lower concentration of Chicagoans.

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