Royals Season Preview 3: Blumpkins for All

The author describes himself as an "all-around manimal," lists the St. Louis Cardinals as an interest and has in his profile a picture of him kissing a blow-up doll (the same one that gives him blumpkins?).

This isn't going to be pretty.*

*This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

Excerpt 1:

With a little more luck and some additional assholery by the Florida Marlins ownership, all of these teams could keep getting better. Except the Royals, because they fucking BLOW.

Excerpt 2:

5) Royals – I guess the Royals are still celebrating the success of over-paying for Gil Meche last season because they didn’t do squat this offseason. The Royals are horrible. Being a Royals fan is like that deep sense of shame you feel when you wake up in the morning with a boner and spooning your dog. Or so Royals fans tell me.

Maybe this is a joke -- yet another in the vast and desolate boneyard that is this site where jokes go to die with neither peace nor regard -- Blumpkins claims that the Orlando Sentinel named it "Orlando's Best Local Blogger." Apparently Mickey Mouse with his oversized fingers typing wiejdsfaj;sdfoijwerjajfls got disqualified, because that would've been better. Sorry Orlandoans, besides living in a really, really angry state, you're fans of an idiot.

Humorous exchange:

Me: What do you call people who live in Orlando? Orlandans or...
Coworker: Dipshits.

I've probably said too much. I learned long ago that when someone's trying to be funny, no matter how badly he's failing, it's best to just nudge him on his way. Don't bother pointing out factual oversights, cause facts were never the point, and who really cares to intellectualize toilet humor anyway?

Anyway... off on your way now, bumpkin.