Thursday, May 10, 2007

The shame of Adam Melhuse

17,000 kids, part of a healthy crowd of 31,006, turned out today for School Day at the K, and I'm pretty sure all of them left thinking that Adam Melhuse must be a terrible baseball player. That would be my everlasting impression, anyway. The catcher went hitless in six at-bats and left five on base, striking out twice, and with his 0-for-6 he's now batting .200 on the season with no notable statistics to report. All day, he was a surer out than those poor souls who hit the ball four steps to Tony Pena Jr.'s right (seriously, the kid's a whiz going right and throwing across the diamond).

To compound his shame, the guy batting after Melhuse collected two hits and scored twice. Another of Melhuse's teammates collected four hits in four at-bats, with four runs and four RBIs. Another teammate hit two home runs. Yet another went 4 for 6, only outdone by the aforementioned 4-for-4 and a 3-for-4 from a certain someone else. Even the other guy who didn't pick up a hit -- someone batting directly in front of Melhuse -- at least got on base twice and scored two runs, which is amazing when you consider the guy batting after him was, well, Adam Melhuse. The No. 5 hitter tied the team lead with four RBIs. Basically, the wealth was distributed evenly, like a misguided Jesse Ventura tax cut, to everyone... except Melhuse.

Imagine the post-game locker room:

Guy 1: Whooooo!
Guy 2: What a day.
Guy 3: I am a golden god!
Guy 4: Did anyone see my 7th inning home run?
Guy 5: 7th inning? I thought it was the 2nd...
Guy 4: Oh, yeah. That too.
Guy 6: Didn't beat my shot into the fountain though. Smoked it. Smoked. Smoked.
Guy 7: I feel good about myself. Hey Guy 8, nice game as well.
Guy 8: Thanks man. Great job every... uh. Yeah, thanks Guy 7.
(uncomfortable silence)
Adam Melhuse: Hey guys, nice game. Good job team.
(uncomfortable silence)

I'm sure Melhuse isn't a bad guy, but he performed so poorly at the plate that one could accuse him of pococurantism. That, kids, is the word of the day: pococurantism, meaning indifference (or, in adjectival form, hebetude). No other way to explain it.

Adam Melhuse: you suck.

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