When players-only meetings are neither helpful nor players-only

The Royals held a players-only meeting yesterday, but it wasn't exactly "players-only" because manager Buddy Bell was present for the start of it. Mark Teahen said the meeting was "more just about winning. It's not, 'Hey, you need to get your foot down earlier.' It's not mechanics." The Royals proceeded to go out and lose 6-2 to Baltimore, running their losing streak to six games. Also, personally, I've never heard of a team meeting in which mechanics were discussed -- I imagine you'll more likely hear something like, "Harry, what in &$%#'s name were you thinking when you tried to steal third with two out?" -- but what do I know. I can, however, in spite of my lack of actual knowledge, surmise what was said in this meeting:

Teahen: Alright fellas, we need to figure out how to win, because this losing is really bothering me.

Mike Sweeney, to himself: You haven't been here long enough.

Teahen: Does anyone have any ideas? On how to win, I mean. Does anyone have an idea how to win? Because that's what we need: to win. And an idea. In conjunction. A winning idea.

Ryan Shealy: Wheelys!

Teahen: Not what I had in mind. And quit skating around before you hurt yourself.

Shealy tries to slide, but his ankle gets jammed under him and his upper body gets catapulted forward into a wall.

David DeJesus: Well, all I know is I gotta be more productive from the top of order. Did you know I was among the leaders in runs scored in April? Yeah, true story. I'm the leadoff man, and part of my duties is to be a leader, so if I could get on base more to set up the rest of the lineup...

Shane Costa: Um, David. You're not batting leadoff anymore.

DeJesus: Who are you?

John Buck: I could hit more home runs.

Jason LaRue: Uh, yeah... John, I'm just the messenger here, but I don't think you'll be playing as much in the near future.

Buck: But I'm tied with the league lead for homers by a catcher!

LaRue: Yeeeah.... your arm strength ain't as hot as mine, pardner.

Buck: What?

Buddy Bell, carrying a flute: Hey, you want to hear me play my trumpet?

Angel Berroa: Maybe Tony can grow some facial hair, look more intimidating.

Teahen: Guys, let's not get sidetracked. Ideas on winning?

Mark Grudzielanek, polishing his glove gilded in gold: Defense.

Esteban German: Playing time.

Emil Brown: I hear chicks dig the long ball. That seems useful.

Alex Gordon: Hey, Billy. Billy. Where are you, Billy boy?

Tony Pena: What's wrong with him?

Sweeney: Anxiety separation. Don't ask.

Berroa: Anyone want a donut?

Bell plays "I Like the Way You Move" on his flute.