Saturday, July 21, 2007

Kid Billy and Master Meche: UNITE



Gil Meche.............GILGAMESH
Billy Butler...........KID BILLY
Ryan Shealy.........BIG SULLY
Joakim Soria........SENOR SMOKE
Dayton Moore.....KING HERO
Kenny Rogers......THE GAMBLER
Gary Sheffield......CREAM SAUCE
Maggio Ordonez...VORPTRON
Ivan Rodriguez....SLIM FAST MAN
Jim Leyland..........Himself

Intro -- MASTER MECHE: I am Gilgamesh, Prince of Eternia, defender of the secrets of Bluecrown. This is Kid Billy, my fearless friend. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said, BY THE POWER OF BLUECROWN! I AM THE POWER! Kid Billy became Big Donkey, and I became Master Meche, the most powerful man in the universe. Only three others share this secret. Our friend HIS HOLINESS THE SAVIOR, BIG SULLY and SENOR SMOKE. Together we defend Castle Bluecrown from the evil forces of JIM LEYLAND [who chuckles wickedly].

Scene 1: On a barren dustfield surrounded by outdated doodads, punctured tires and a fortress of scrap metal -- Detroit -- Jim Leyland sits on a throne in the hollowed-out skeleton of a giant cardinal.

LEYLAND: Heheheh... dumb as you may be, old rogue, even you cannot not know what is on this piece of paper... the Secret Weapon of Sure Defeat for the Other Team! It is a thing of beauty, isn't it? Heheheh. Soon it will be unleashed and I shall rule the universe. Muahahahah.

THE GAMBLER: [Incomprehensible noises] If you unleash it, hrrrrrr, you could defeat Bluecrown at last.

LEYLAND: That's the point, nitwit. Go, summon my forces.

THE GAMBLER: [Incomprehensible noises] As you wish, Leyland.

[Cue evil music]

LEYLAND: I'll call our warriors from around the universe and bring them here to Detroit. Cream Sauce, whose knowledge of creams and clears is rivaled only by his love of flaxseed ointments, I, Leyland, command you.... Vorptron, who can see expert projections and defy them, I will need your mighty strength.... Slim Fast Man, previously known as Fat Face -- return as you are, and bring your secret weight-loss formula. Together we can take down Bluecrown and crush Master Meche once and for all.

One by one they are beamed into Detroit.

CREAM SAUCE: Why have you brought us here?

LEYLAND: To crush Bluewave and reclaim my spot as ruler of the universe! Heheheheheh.

VORPTRON: You have said that before, Leyland, yet Master Meche and his friends always find a way to trick us.

LEYLAND: But this time, I have this... the Secret Weapon of Sure Defeat for the Other Team [with echo]!

SLIM FAST MAN: Can I have some of that?

LEYLAND: Fool! It does not make you stronger. The Secret Weapon of Sure Defeat for the Other Team is a very dangerous thing. You must be aware of it, my minions. In time I will unleash it, heheheh. In time, Master Meche and his precious friends will feel what it's like ... TO LOSE! [Laughs diabolically]

Scene 2: At Castle Bluecrown, Gilgamesh is enjoying the company of his friends when he realizes the castle is under siege. After beating back the forces of evil, he decides the only proper procedure is to take the battle to the enemy. He and his friends pack for Detroit.

MASTER MECHE: By the power of Bluecrown! I AM THE POWER!

[Music plays to the tune of "Magic Dance" -- You remind me of the Master. / (What Master?) / The Master with the power. / (What power?) / The power of the Meche. / [The mess?] / The Meche. / (Mess what?) / Remind me of the Master.]

Scene 3: Detroit. Comerica Park, scene of the standoff for all time. The two sides walk to opposite sides of the base lines and glare at each other.

VORPTRON: I'm scared, Leyland.

LEYLAND, staring fiercely. Vorptron vanishes into thin air.

GAMBLER: Leyland! Hrrrrrrrrr. I'm so mad I could punch a camera. Hrrrrr.

LEYLAND: Shut up, Gambler. We didn't need him. He'll disappear in autumn anyway.

CREAM SAUCE: Look out!

His Holiness the Savior and Big Sully double-team Cream Sauce and manage to puncture a hole in his leg. His juices spill out, and he withers into the dirt. The Gambler, scared, attacks Master Meche by mistake.

MASTER MECHE: I would hedge that bet next time, Gambler.

The Gambler is twirled around Master Meche's head like a homer hanky and tossed into oblivion. Leyland is stupified, but only momentarily. He pulls out his piece of paper.

LEYLAND: Master Meche, you have done valiantly, and your friends have been better than expected. But this is where your fun ends, heheheh.

MASTER MECHE: Don't call me a friend, skull brain.

At this moment, King Hero arrives on the scene.

LEYLAND: Ah, look who decided to arrive. Just in time, Hero. Just in time.

KING HERO: I don't know what you think you know, but your time is up, Leyland. Your crude approach is a thing of the past. This game has passed you by, and it is time you relinquish the throne of your supposed empire, for it is occupied by ghosts, and you are but a relic.

LEYLAND: Why don't you have a look at this!

Leyland opens up his piece of paper, the Secret Weapon of Sure Defeat for the Other Team. King Hero looks at it and is frozen. Big Sully drops down, injured. His Holiness the Savior shields his eyes. Master Meche's mouth drops.

MASTER MECHE: What in the...!

The name Scott Elarton falls from the piece of paper. Leyland laughs, sadistically. King Hero, catatonic, makes a silent plea to his prince for help. Leyland continues laughing. be continued

POSTSCRIPT: Go here to watch a complete episode of He-Man and Masters of the Universe. Remember, He-Man is Gil Meche's favorite hero, and that's awesome.

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